That question has been asked of me daily, sometimes more than once in the last few weeks. How do you feel about going back to what you might ask? Well, I am writing this on the eve of my return to work after maternity leave. . . . Tomorrow morning I re-embark on my teaching career and I've been pondering this question myself for a while now.
So how do I feel about going back to work? How should I feel? I'm not 100% sure on the appropriate and expected answer to the question!
If I say yes - I'm a heartless mother who doesn't want to spend time with her children; a greedy, selfish woman who wants to have children AND a career and then dump those children on someone else whilst she pursues her own dreams. . . .
If I say no - I'm work shy and lazy . . . .I want to spend my days drinking tea, eating cake and watching Jeremy Kyle. I want to go out to lunch with my friends and lie in every morning (I wish!
,). . .
In truth I feel a whole range of emotions, the same emotions that I imagine hundreds and thousands of women feel everyday - emotions every mother will feel at some point for some reason or other.
Anxiety - Will I be able to cope with the daily battle of getting 2 children, and me out of the house and safely delivered at nursery, still making it in to work on time? Will I still remember how to do my job? Will I be able to keep up? All questions that I cannot answer :-(
Sadness - The thought of the things I'll miss fills me with a painful ache - will I miss E's first word, first step?? Perhaps more painful a though, will they sit at nursery and wonder where their mummy is?
Excitement - I love my job and I love the people I work with. The new challenge ahead of me gives me tingling, happy butterflies in my tummy. Plus . . . . I'll be able to go to the loo without being followed and there's a small possibility that I may be able to finish a brew and eat my lunch with 2 hands, rather than one! In all honesty, I couldn't be a stay at home mum, I admire them so much. I would find it very difficult to do that everyday (although I do admit I would have liked a little longer off!)
But the strongest and most difficult emotion I am feeling is:
Guilt - Caused by all of the above! Guilt, the emotion that all mothers are faced with on a daily basis.
Guilt for leaving my children with someone else.
Guilt for denying E my food, and giving her a bottle during the day.
Guilt for missing so much of their lives and causing them to miss me.
Guilt for looking forward to it. . . .
E is currently asleep on my lap, so I am going to just sit here and savour our last day together, I'm going to have a little cry, a little cuddle and then I'm going to hold my head high and look forward to the AMAZING weekends that we are going to have together from this day on. My remedy.
Anyone else feeling like this? How did your first days back go? Or how are you feeling a out your impending return?
Snuggle Mummy (and a sleeping E) x
